automobile  • noun   1 a powered road vehicle designed to carry a small number of people. 2 a railway carriage or (N. Amer.) wagon.

The above definition comes to us courtesy of the Oxford English dictionary.  It’s short, but succinct.  Glaring by virtue of their omission are the following terms:  cafeteria, office, entertainment center, makeup/shaving area, reading room, Coffee Bar, day care operation, and of course, phone booth. 

In the past I have been accused of being quite negative to those denizens of the road known as our “fellow motorists”.  The fact of the matter is that I have every right to be. As do all of you as well. 

We now live in an age where the average horsepower rating on new vehicles is fast approaching the three hundred range.  Braking systems are state of the art. The handling characteristics of today’s econoboxes sometimes surpass those of yesterday’s “supercars”.   So as a result, our nation’s speed limits should have risen in direct proportion to the increased capabilities of these modern vehicles.  Right?  You and I should be able to hammer down the highway as fast as we would like, without fear of draconian legal repercussions.

So why can’t we?

Our forefathers referred to this phenomenon as “The Masses of Asses”.  For purposes of bolstering this somewhat one-sided dissertation, may I suggest the following update?  “The Masses who apply makeup/shave/read/discipline children/cell phone chat/drink coffee while driving Asses”.  Isn’t it sad that a few (in this case a lot) bad apples spoil the fun for us performance minded drivers? 

Imagine for a moment the total automotive nirvana.  Let’s use the Philly to New York run as our example. Your departure from Philadelphia would begin as usual, driving cautiously over the surface roads at our current speed limits en route to the Turnpike(aka circuit de New Jersey). Since everyone would have an EZ Pass, entrance to the roadway would be virtually uninhibited.  And as you come around the entrance ramp you know it’s time to hit the “psycho button” in your brain and launch onto the roadway like a Teutonic torpedo.  Once underway, it would be time to increase the speed and get on with the one, single task of getting to point B.  The left lane would be reserved for passing only, and the other drivers would follow this rule to a T.  There would be no more “left lane bandits” dangerously trundling along at pachyderm-like paces.  And no more 18 wheelers, as they have all been replaced with a more efficient city-to-city rail system (which would also provide employment for those displaced by the demise of trucking).  And since we’re in fantasyland anyway, how about constructing small launch ramps on the bridges along the way?  At the landing would be a group of judges whose sole purpose would be to award style points based on our landings.  How about some electronic signs along the way?  These would communicate with our car’s transponders, giving us such vital stats as time gained/lost, average speed, etc.  And 40 minutes later, we would be in New York City.

So why isn’t this today’s reality (minus the launch ramp idea)?

Because it seems that society as a whole has tackled our traffic problems with a maddening succession of “band-aid” solutions, which merely mask the illness without ever offering up a cure.  Why would anyone ever want to investigate ways to make driving a safer, faster experience when it is so much easier for the marketing folks to opiate the masses with such diversions as Cup Holders, Cell Phones and DVD players?  As if these items don’t provide an adequate level of distraction, one could always add fuzzy dice or a bobble-headed Elvis doll to the dashboard. And while I fully support the right to religious expression, you would have a hard time convincing me that a scale model re-enactment of the New Testament on the dashboard could be considered evenly remotely safe.  I wouldn’t want to think about what would happen in the event of an accident(“Daddy, Daddy, I just had my eye poked out by one of the wise men!”). 

Isn’t it time to get back to basics?  Such as better and more education for young drivers?  Maybe even continual testing for experienced drivers?  After all, traffic laws do change from time to time. 

In order to advance the cause of high-speed, long-distance travel, while reducing fatalities along the way, I invite you to participate in the Mahalick (for vanity’s sake) Motoring Manifesto of 2004.  Our participation implies that we will vow to make driving a more sane experience. We will not spend our time behind the wheel doing anything other than driving.  We will endeavor to anticipate the (stupid) moves of our fellow motorists, while always giving ourselves an escape route in the event of danger(Will Smith).  We will not drive three inches off the bumper of the car in front of us at seventy miles per hour while heatedly talking on the cell phone to our divorce attorneys or stockbrokers.  Under no circumstances will we set the cruise control in order to facilitate the changeover of a CD or DVD.  And so on………

If only it could be so simple.  But maybe it can.  I know of a bunch of folks who care enough about their driving to join car clubs and attend track events.  Are you one of them?  If so, why not take it one step further and put your superior skills to use in a positive manner? In the form of “leading by example” as you traverse our nation’s highways and byways.  But of course, if we meet up with each other along the way, may the fastest reaction time win.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

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Author:

Starting with a $99 “American Auto” minibike at age 9, Christopher Mahalick has spent the past 30 years frittering away his hard earned cash feeding a completely irrational car and motorcycle obsession.  He currently writes a monthly column for “Der Gasser”, a monthly publication produced by the Porsche Club of America’s Riesentoter Region. In addition to a monthly column, he is also active in Drivers Ed as a participant, as well as being the region’s track registrar.

His style could be best described as “car articles that even chicks read”.  Employing equal doses of humor and practicality, his mission is to bring “speed to the masses” by dispelling the myth that the car/motorcycle hobby is restricted only to the ultra-rich.  Mr. Mahalick’s current “fleet” includes the following:  a 1984 911 Targa, a 1971 914, a 1977 Yamaha RD-400 café bike, and “Thrashy”, a 1988, $150 Volkswagen Jetta beater.

Copyright (c) 2003 by Christopher Mahalick. All Rights Reserved

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